Successful Sex – Use it Well

Sex is for self-expression and for human bonding. I think we can all agree with this.You also want to develop your sexual technique. This article is not about that.In today’s world where so many now can express their sexuality without that much inhibition or moral censure by society, we have opened the gates to freedom of sexual expression.Remember that it was not so long ago that children in families were told not to touch their genitals and were beaten if they were caught masturbating. The young women were also shamed if they got pregnant as teenagers.This was an attack on living the existence of the body based on religions attacking the body to prove that they offered spiritual salvation and control for making people good to enter the afterlife.These mentally unbalanced attitudes have been seen for what they are in modern times: anti-body, anti-existence on earth, anti-passion and anti-feeling, and anti-self-decision making.In today’s world young people should be able to make decisions themselves as to how they express themselves in a body.Sex is self-expression and its is bonding between two human beings. These are its two primary functions. A third would be baby-making, but now only for a few in modern cultures. Sexual expression as a need has gone far beyond baby-making in modern societies.Why do most of us have such an enormous interest in sex, stated or unstated?THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND SEXUAL INTEREST
sexual orgasm, especially shared sexual orgasm, often gives one a sense of tremendous vitality and passion and opens the door to shared feelings between two human being.
sexual intercourse together is often taken as the true marriage contract. It is assumed that once a couple starts mating together they are then to remain a couple together, sharing their lives
however, in today’s modern society, to get to experience someone as a possible intimacy partner it is considered important to go to bed together and do some heavy sexual sporting. Thus many use the sexual compatibility and mutual passion as a measure of their being compatible in other ways of sharing life together
we feel in love with someone who may feel in love with us. This is usually interpreted as that we are meant for each other. Love, undefined but felt, is taken as some sort of destiny bonding. Thus most of us are waiting and hoping for the big love to come our way so that we can settle down with the right partner for us
Jungian psychologists have found that falling in love is a big projection of our inner need for unity. We identify usually with the archetype of the genitals we carry and project the opposite archetype onto another person with opposite genitals. Masculine and Feminine. This is all as nature intended. Without sex as the motivator how many would choose to live together in such close proximity as to evoke all the human emotions?
The above points go beyond genital and body fascination. Of course we worship our young years when we had full vitality because we know our vitality is not lasting. We age and we die. Nature wants the next generation produced, and that is done with mutual, sexual orgasm.STAGES OF SEXUAL RELATING AND EXPRESSIONSince sex is such a powerful force in our lives we would do well to make such a force conscious in our lives.
starting out we experience auto-eroticism. We feel good in our bodies, especially with human contact, thus explaining why little children often love the hugging contact with the parents and family members.
we progress from auto-eroticism into co-eroticism. We share sexual intensity and bodily contact with others, whether as football players jumping onto each other in a pile after winning a game or with pairs of humans of either and both sexes mating with each other in genital contact. Co-eroticism gets us relating closely with other human beings.
we develop in co-eroticism relational skills, how to interest someone in being mutual with us, how to release ourselves more and more freely in the sexual embrace, how to share intimacies and other areas of life-expression together.
we develop non-eroticism. Half the adults in modern society do not live with anyone. They have either regressed to auto-eroticism, having been possibly traumatized in co-eroticism experiences, or they have become non-erotic.
non-erotic adults put their creative energies towards achieving goals, projects, achievements. Some also go non-erotic by having dogs as pets, the faithful positive feeling function.
What all this is saying is that sexual expression should be used consciously and well. If you can agree with the above points you can then be more aware in how you make your sexual choices in life.ONE EXAMPLE OF MISUSE OF SEXUALITYOne young man who worked with me would always ask a new woman he met all about her father. He said from this he could tell whether he could seduce her or not.This was a man who was auto-erotic in co-erotic situations. He did not give and receive in mutual sharing with another human being. He was strictly a predator. He did not like my challenging him on this.Yes, misuse of sexuality, his own and the other person’s.It’s not, don’t do things. In an age of self-responsibility and free expression you and I may have done a lot of exploring to see what the world is all about and also ourselves in a body. Yet at some point we need to move beyond unconscious exploration into realistic awareness and take full responsibility for how our self-expression affects others and ourselves.SEXUAL RELATING GUIDELINES
if you are sharing sex with someone be honest about your motives and your experiences, and encourage the other person to be so likewise.
don’t hang onto the sexual experience as the goal of your relating with someone.
there is only one great goal in intimate relating and that is to share lives together with the right person that this is possible to do so with.
therefore in your sexual expression you will need to redefine yourself as seeking a full intimacy with someone you respect, admire and dance well together with, metaphorically and actually.
it is not easy to find a full intimacy person for you, so you need to have a committed focus to do so, even if it takes a few years. If you have sex with a number of people as part of your exploration, be honest about your experience and keep looking for that realistic relationship in which you can both fully share the essentials together.
sex will not get you there to the full relationship, but it certainly is part of the process because of the emotions and vulnerability evoked.
thus holding off on sexual intimacy before marriage is not usually an effective method for finding the right person for you, and you for them. You need physical and emotional experience together and not just a talk relationship.
The other clear point that marriage counselors have found is that you two need to be able to communicate in harmony at several levels. They are as follows. You can use this list to evaluate your own mating behavior and what you are going for in life. You can use this list to see if you are using your sexuality well.-communicate openly and honestly. If you are strangers to each other because one or both of you are hiding your true feelings and instead playing roles, then you should not be together. It’s too defensive a situation to allow for fulfillment of expression and to allow love to flourish.-carry the dance of your interactions into the basic areas of relating. It’s the same as sex in bed to also cook meals together in the kitchen.-have at least five areas of mutual sharing and compatibility. These can include:BASICS OF SEXUAL AND RELATING COMPATIBILITY
relatively the same level of intelligence
the same level of fitness and working at fitness
the same level and way of communication
no blaming, manipulating and demanding with the other person
ability to relax together without being a pressure on the other person
ability to handle together the relationship as also an economic unit of mutual sharing of income and expenses according to each his and her ability
the sharing of vulnerability, mistakes, wounds, fears, traumas from the past
the ability to work through interaction difficulties, including such things as affairs or freedom to be alone, whatever it is that may weaken the relationship you both have chosen
doing chores and other work together so that both of you carry the load pretty equally of work needed to live life together and progress into the future
In a nutshell! Use your sexual attractiveness and expression to form an ongoing intimate relationship, preferably living together, that has all of the above points working for you both.We add also that if you are partnered with somebody and you do not have the relating experiences as indicated above, then why are you both still together? Split up and use your attractiveness and relationship commitment to explore and then find someone else to be with that will allow more fully the above values.SEXUALITY IS FOR BONDINGSexuality is for bonding. Use it well. For more on relating please see Strephon’s podcasts and ebooks.